Surrogate Killer Parent (a day at the aquarium)

I love going to visit my bro and his family. He lives in the greatest cities and usually has jobs that I can only describe as surreal. But I digress, this is a short little story about my last trip to the freaky state of California to see my Brother, his two twins, and his very patient wife. I do not have kids, therefore I am more or less a caveman when it comes to being around them. This was seated firmly after I introduced the 3 almost 4 year old twins to the concept of violence and death while watching Star Wars (my idea, of course, even though their dad watched it with us).

The real fun began when we took a little jaunt to the aquarium together (minus mom). It had been one day since the Star Wars incident, and I was feeling more like a good uncle again.The twins looked in awe together as I explained the different types of sea life we were observing. I actually felt like a normal uncle, and not like "Kindergarten Cop" or some type of commando-esque baby sitter. I was eventually entrusted with one of the twins, all on my own. My little brother went to the restroom with one, and I took the other to pet the small sharks and rays. It was great. She was laughing nervously as the rough skinned (non-man eating) sharks would come up to her to be stroked with two fingers while I watched to make sure she didn't fall in etc. She really loved it, and I was having fun with her. Then there was an incident.

A little boy, about her age, decided that he did not like the fact that she was having so much fun and getting all this aquatic attention. He (four eyed freak boy) reached into the water with a cupped hand and threw it on my niece. This set off a chain of crying, which would last for one hour. Not before she whacked the kid in the chest for dousing her. I don't deal with little kids at all. I watched as the freak kid reached in for his second scoop of water and then pounced on him like a lion in wait. I said, "Hey, little freak, don't even think about it!" It just popped right out. I didn't even think twice that I was talking to a 4-5 year old. I actually had a little mini dream, while I was berating him, about shoving him into the shark tank. It was a beautiful thing, but a dream all the less. He looked at me like I was from outer space and started to cry.

Well, his mom (idiot freak number 2) decided to show up and said, as though she had just woken up from a long sleep, "what's going on little fella?" Now we were talking. I definitely know how to deal with stupid adults. I was just about to leap for her throat when my brother appeared and whisked me off while I was telling this lady to get control of her little tardo kid.

I definitely need to be kept away from the children for at least 15 years.