Shades of LISTEN TO ME FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST!

I never thought this would happen to me, but I actually think that I have become a languageist.  Similar to a racist, but only for language barriers. Or Xenoglossophobia, fear of strange tongues.  What ever the definition, it does not change the fact that I am losing it.

I have also noticed a trend for our foreign friends that answer our technical questions on help lines about computers, services etc.  The trend is that if I just keep repeating what I said in my stupid/almost mentally challenged version of English, the person who actually speaks the language will understand me somehow.  Little do they know, the person on the other end is plotting how they could possibly move their particle through the phone lines and wrap them around their tiny throats.


Equality for all.  Love and kisses/peace.

Funny Guys

Well, I don't like to give personal details, but I will say that being in law enforcement for the last 11 plus years has not been without its share of "funny guys". One of my most favorite and still annoying behaviors is that of the nervous civilians that notices or hears that you are a cop and feels as though they have to make a humorous comment. "I didn't do it." or "He did it" Hehehehe, NOT. I mean, if I were a proctologist and at a party, would the same jackass say, "Hey Bob, better watch the Doc, he might probe your prostate when you're not looking." Hehehe. I can only assume that it is because these homyacks have so much testosterone that they have to emasculate me because they are not the big dog in the room anymore, or they have been to the pokey a few times. Funny stuff, I think I will stick with the cuffs.

Out of it

Oh how I wished we still had medieval rules/code of conduct. I thought this to myself as I handed the cup of hot lava to the barista at Barnes and Noble. “Please will you pour some of this out, I didn’t want to pour it in your trash can and it is very hot.” It grabs the molten coffee from me with a scowl and pours some out handing it back to me with an eye roll. I took the coffee with my off hand and drew my broadsword with my weapon hand. The point appeared millimeters from his neck. “You need to learn some manners young servant boy.” He froze in his tracks and begged, “I am so sorry my liege, I promise to serve with enthusiasm and fervor from this day forth.” I returned my broadsword and returned to reality, having a strong grip on my iPhone. “Let that be a lesson to you”, I said leaving the counter with my coffee. He replied with an, “Oooo kkk…”

I really need to cut back on the pain meds.

Look Closely

Look closely and you will see what I like to call the "I don't give two tits what people think about my appearance" attitude. It makes me wonder what or when this section of the brain snaps, pops, or just simply melts into a thimble of pudding. I mean, I see people everyday that should really not ever leave the house, but they at least make an effort to dress it up a bit. C'mon, at least throw on some sweats and proper shoes. Are you kidding me?


"Crap, I didn't get my Sunday paper! Fuck it, there probably isn't anyone at the busiest grocery store in town on Sunday morning. I will just throw my robe over my nasty old naked body and go grab a paper there."

As funny as this was to see and photograph covertly from the floral section, please don't fool yourself, you are a mentally unstable individual and should definitely keep doing this because it made my freaking day.

I love the word "Delicious"; make me smile.

Shape Shifters

The shape shifters I speak of are the ones that pull up to the ATM etc. and try to reach the panel but are either too far away or are like me and have short arms. My favorite part about this are those few wizards that push against the door with their arm fully extended like they are magically going to be able to partially pass through the hard plastic and steel and reach the elusive ATM. There are usually a few tries at this before a look is given at the door like it is the door's fault for not changing its molecular make up for this futile attempt.
Even worse is that I actually sit there and watch hoping that this person in front of me is able to pull this physics experiment off.

What I would really like to see is the expression on someone's face when they are actually able to pull this off.

Do or do not, there is no try. (Yoda)

Coffee Shop Meltdown

Well I have been trying hard to figure out how to allow whomever reads this sad rant of mine understand and feel my pain. Picture me, the object of patience, the only person at the counter at my favorite coffee shop. I had actually gotten up a bit early this morning just to be able to get my favorite coffee and get to work. The sweet elixir that I so enjoy, is already being whipped up by the barista that knows me and usually gets my order started before I reach the front door. The smells and the sounds of my lovely beverage are proving to be Pavlovian.
This is when it happens; as you would expect since I am writing about it. It starts with these two beautiful people; you know who you are. Those people that think that there are two time continua theirs and everyone else. Oh, they start by going to the side of the counter; brimming with confidence wearing their perfect hair. This was tolerable until they started talking to the help. Talking to the only person working the coffee bar. This is when their world and ours mingles. I have noticed that this only happens when they want something, or one or both of our kind are drunk as hell and still want something. Anyway, both the female and male beauties and the barista have some small talk about their flip flops or something. It just sounds like WAWAWA "peanuts" talk to me. My normal 1.12 minute wait turns into well over 5.27 minutes. Finally, barista is able to phase into my parallel time line and see that I about to hit my flash point. She begins to pour and is pulled back into the land of the lovelies. This adds an additional 1.1 minutes of "Linus and Lucy" and she finally breaks free again after a laugh and a hair flip. She steps back into ugly and brings me the coffee from the mountain, places it in my wretched hands; which is when I depart the common man.

This only actually took 1.1 minutes due to the rip in time from glam to sham.

Kisses,

Me

Lost and Dumb Found

You never think you are going to come across a 14 year old little girl in the back country of the Rocky Mountains until it happens to you. Not only 14 years old, but with no adult, no food, no water, and high altitude sickness impending. She was obviously tired and probably getting cold/hypothermic due to the rain and dropping temperature.

The only question she had of us was not of aiding her in her deadly search for her family, or food and water. She simply asked, "Are you guys Christians?" The answer was obvious to me; in my head anyway. I actually had to think about the question, not because I was questioning my Jewish upbringing, but because of the shock that this was her top priority. I looked at my friend with that funny tilty head thing that dogs sometimes do. I wasn't sure if she was asking because she was going to run off if I told her that I was not a Christian or if she was taking a survey during her last day on earth. Luckily the guy I was backpacking with was a Christian which must have trumped my Red Sea Pedestrian background making it alright to be rescued and not left to die or be sacrificed at the hands of the Pagan Jew.

Damn, foiled again!

National Security

I am sure that many of you have had the pleasure of visiting the US Post Office. I just love that God damned place. I got to the Post Office early this morning. It was me and another family of three in front of me. They were Hispanic and the patriarch was speaking Spanish to the Hispanic Postal worker that was assisting them. It was like they were all family. There speech was quiet and quick; yet pacifying. The Postal worker was so cordial and friendly, I could hardly wait for my turn. They finished their business and left as quietly as they came in.

My turn. I compare it to waiting to get on a ride at the amusement park. The excitement is palpable. I had a letter that was already stamped and ready to go and a little package the my wife had marked Media Mail. The middle aged Postal worker asked me what was in the package. I didn't realize that I was boarding an aircraft or entering a high security area. I said I don't know, I am assuming it is some type of media. This is when she went "high order" on me. (High order: High order explosives are explosive materials that detonate, meaning that the explosive shock front passes though the material at a super sonic speed. High explosives detonate with explosive velocity rates ranging from 3,000 to 9,000 meters per second. They are normally employed in mining, demolition, and military applications. They can be divided into two explosives classes differentiated by sensitivity.) She changed her demeanor to something that I can only compare to a SS shock troop saying, "Are there any letters or notes in this package?" I told her that I didn't know, I am guessing it is a book since that is what she usually sends in media mail. The clerk stamped the package and put it in a special pile and told me, "This package will be opened and inspected." I was waiting for the UZI toting Postal Agents to appear and perform a quick body cavity search but was let down when the Postal worker said in a stern voice, "$2.34 please." I handed her a five dollar bill slowly just in case I was being watched for any sudden movements. Worker: "Do you want me to take it out of the $5?" I just gave her a puzzled look and said, "Yes?" She took the bill and made change. I took the change gingerly and walked out like I was at the Soup Nazi's store from Seinfeld.

Sleep well citizens, the county is safe from bogus media mail.

But I'm a nun

Does the fact that you are clergy or a nun give you diplomatic immunity from being and idiot.

I only ask because I was taking my mother to the hospital to have surgery today, in busy traffic where she lives. It was lunch hour in a large busy city and I was trying to navigate traffic while my mother drove from the passenger seat. Well, as we got close to the Hospital, I got the, "Turn here!" from the co-pilots seat. I pulled into the circle drive and immediately saw the orange arrow painted on the ground pointing in the opposite direction. Too late to stop due to traffic, so I drove on in. This old woman, driving a small compact car, threw her hands up and gave me a look that could have burned a hole through the thickest piece of heat resistant space shuttle tile. She kept the stare and tracked our vehicle like a tank turret. I shot back with a well articulated, "What the fuck" which a blind person could have lip read. I soon as I hit the "K" in fuck I saw it. A nuns habit. I felt bad for about 1 to 2 milliseconds. She's not immune to the driving rules of engagement. I was taking fire and had to defend myself. She continued to fire on our vehicle with her power stare even after my warning shot. I think sister fuck up was waiting for God to come down and smash me to oblivion. I was hoping he would come down and say, "What the fuck?"

I got mom to her surgery, and have not heard from the nun or the Lord.

Saving the Blind

I will admit, I am a bit of a softy. I would not go as far as the term "Liberal", or "Tree Hugger", but I do have some common sense of reality and know that not everyone is a piece of proverbial shit. But, like someone once said, "Don't mistake my kindness for weakness." I work in a profession that seems to be laden with so called "Conservatives"/Republicans”. I, myself, don't really label myself anything mostly because I don't care and also because I don't know enough about politics to fill a thimble.

I do not mind that I have to talk to people who are homeless, or close to it, and have young kids who are victims of violence. This goes for the mentally challenged (PC for retarded) people that are preyed on as well. These people need protection as well as the rest of the population who take their safety for granted. I don't give a crap what political direction you like to go; I have not seen either camp take crime seriously in this country -- that is unless it happens to them. Then it is a frickin major issue.

You could have probably guessed that I work in law enforcement. I have been doing it for over ten years. My colleagues have not had a raise in over six years. I love my job, but as you can see we are not so important to the tax payers. Know why? A lot of this bad shit has not happened to them. Yet...

Most of the people I work with do this job because they love it. I totally get becoming jaded after being exposed to what we have to deal with on a daily basis, especially when you feel like the community has forgotten you. I don't get people who have no clue as to what is going on in their own country. Especially when they are supposed to be educated and well read.

My message to those of you who think that there are not people out there suffering violence every day or who are homeless and starving, who think that they might not be the next target of some asshole waiting to take advantage of them.

WAKE UP!!!!