National Security

I am sure that many of you have had the pleasure of visiting the US Post Office. I just love that God damned place. I got to the Post Office early this morning. It was me and another family of three in front of me. They were Hispanic and the patriarch was speaking Spanish to the Hispanic Postal worker that was assisting them. It was like they were all family. There speech was quiet and quick; yet pacifying. The Postal worker was so cordial and friendly, I could hardly wait for my turn. They finished their business and left as quietly as they came in.

My turn. I compare it to waiting to get on a ride at the amusement park. The excitement is palpable. I had a letter that was already stamped and ready to go and a little package the my wife had marked Media Mail. The middle aged Postal worker asked me what was in the package. I didn't realize that I was boarding an aircraft or entering a high security area. I said I don't know, I am assuming it is some type of media. This is when she went "high order" on me. (High order: High order explosives are explosive materials that detonate, meaning that the explosive shock front passes though the material at a super sonic speed. High explosives detonate with explosive velocity rates ranging from 3,000 to 9,000 meters per second. They are normally employed in mining, demolition, and military applications. They can be divided into two explosives classes differentiated by sensitivity.) She changed her demeanor to something that I can only compare to a SS shock troop saying, "Are there any letters or notes in this package?" I told her that I didn't know, I am guessing it is a book since that is what she usually sends in media mail. The clerk stamped the package and put it in a special pile and told me, "This package will be opened and inspected." I was waiting for the UZI toting Postal Agents to appear and perform a quick body cavity search but was let down when the Postal worker said in a stern voice, "$2.34 please." I handed her a five dollar bill slowly just in case I was being watched for any sudden movements. Worker: "Do you want me to take it out of the $5?" I just gave her a puzzled look and said, "Yes?" She took the bill and made change. I took the change gingerly and walked out like I was at the Soup Nazi's store from Seinfeld.

Sleep well citizens, the county is safe from bogus media mail.